This Underachiever's Hellboy II: The Golden Army Review...

I liked the first movie. Or better yet, I LOVED the first movie. So my hopes were really up there when I heard that Guillermo del Toro was going to come up with a sequel. I liked what he did in Blade II and, like I just said, I loved his work in Hellboy so, yeah, I would've killed for Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

Sadly, I'd sooner kick a stray dog than kill for Hellboy II. Yes, I was THAT disappointed since ...The Golden Army looked more like tarnished silver.

The movie started out with a scene from Hellboy's youth, with his adoptive father, Prof. Broom (played by John Hurt once more), telling him a story about elves and men and the Elf King's unstoppable golden army of clockwork soldiers that numbered "70 times 70" soldiers. I liked that part. Very Old Testament-like.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the movie cuts to the present where the elf's son wants to control the golden army so that his people would finally rule over man. Yes, Prince Nuada has a very, very big chip on his shoulder to carry around that kind of anger for hundreds of years. As for Hellboy, tired of having to hide and have his existence kept secret all these years while working for the government, he decides it's finally time to reveal himself to the world with a bang - literally - by crashing through a window, landing on a car's roof crushing it flat, and shooting a tooth fairy in front of a hundred people. Yes, a tooth fairy - a savage yet tiny creature that feasts on calcium.

The movie could've ended right there and I would've been happy but NOOOOO...we get scenes of Hellboy and Liz Sherman fighting like old, married couples and heck, we even see Abe Sapien falling in love with Princess Nuala, Prince Nuada's sister.

Now, the Abe/Nuala love angle was nice since it showed a more "human" side to Abe but the Hellboy/Liz angle looked too forced. For some reason, it lacked the intensity that they had in the first movie when they were still unsure of each other. Well, when you think about it, it does resemble how a couple's relationship works in real life - all hot and heavy when you're just starting out and then all cold and boring once she tries to control your life while you still feel like living a bachelor's life. Oh, and the sex gets less and less too.

All in all, it's like Guillermo was on autopilot throughout the movie. Yes, it had his touches like the great character design and the attention to detail. But as serious as the first movie's tone was, the sequel seemed like a step back because of its more light-hearted, campy nature.


Ron Perlman was, like in the first movie, perfect as Hellboy. I can't imagine anyone else holding a candle to his angry yet nonchalant depiction of the title character. Although I have to say, he looked much smaller this time around when compared to the first movie.

The addition of German psychic Johann Krauss (as voiced by Seth MacFarlane) was great even if he was hardly used in the movie. But then again, when the character you're playing is ectoplasmic in nature, I suppose there's very little you can do without the help of CGI. In any case, his cool and professional demeanor provided the perfect foil for Hellboy's hit-now-ask-questions-later philosophy as well as Abe's intelligent yet naive manner.

Selma Blair was also underused in her role as Liz Sherman. Truth be told, she even provided more fire - both literally and figuratively - in the first movie as compared to the sequel. Also, at the end of the movie, I just wanted to ask; "Couldn't she just have melted those 70 times 70 golden soldiers instead and save Hellboy the trouble of having to duke it out with Prince Nuada?" But that's just me...

And speaking of Prince Nuada, who was also underused in the movie, he was nevertheless just as great although you do get the feeling that they could've done more with the character! He could've provided a more formidable challenge to Hellboy if the movie didn't delve too much into the character developments of Hellboy and his crew. So it's just sad that, somehow, even Rasputin in the first movie got more screen time than Prince Nuada. Rasputin hardly did anything except use his magic powers whereas Prince Nuada kicked ass! Hell, even Hellboy got pwned in their first fight scene in the BPRD!


Still, as unfocused as the entire movie was, I have to give Guillermo del Toro mad props for his vision. With the designs of the out-of-this-world characters in the movie, it sometimes seemed like I was watching the sequel to Pan's Labyrinth, particularly with how the Elf King's chamberlain and the Angel of Death looked like.

Incidentally, the actor behind both characters is Doug Jones, who's looking like he's del Toro's lucky charm since, other than playing the two characters I previously mentioned, he also plays Abe Sapien for both Hellboy movies as well as the Faun and the Pale Man in Pan's Labyrinth.

Also making a comeback to a del Toro feature is Luke Goss as Prince Nuada who also played the main antagonist, Jared Nomak, in Blade II. And FYI: to those who're 30+ years old like me, if his name sounds familiar, Luke Goss, along with his twin brother, Matt, formed the British boy band Bros in the late '80s.


So if you're a Hellboy fanboy or if you loved the first movie, I suggest you pass up the sequel or just wait for it on DVD so that you'll feel less ripped off. But if your sense of humor is shallow, then I say, go ahead. It's worth a couple of laughs, after all. So for this Underachiever, Hellboy II: The Golden Army is a big underachievement.